Minx of this Parish

Paul, Flossie and I went to Bristol for the weekend to stay with my old friends Gail and Mark and their wrecking crew three boys. It was great to see them, and we all had a very long walk (especially long as Matthew the toddler was walking for some of it) from Snuff Mills to Oldbury Estate and back again, in the rain. Unfortunately, the weather was far too grim to venture into the city centre, as planned, although we did manage to get as far as Fishponds to see my mate Phil's band (The Johnsons) play at The Farriers. And very good they were too.

Gail and Mark were over-generous, as usual, and treated us to a particularly fine take away curry (happily, my favourite - chicken makhani - was on the menu!) on Saturday night and a fine roast dinner on Sunday. Not to mention the far too many birthday presents they heaped upon me on arrival.

All in all it went very well; Paul liked Gail and Mark and coped pretty well with being bombarded by three unfamiliar and extremely energetic young children, Flossie only bared her teeth twice, despite the almost constant mauling, and despite all the mayhem Gail and I found time to catch up and have a good old gossip.

The trouble with going back to Bristol is I always feel a bit homesick afterwards. After all, it's my home town, I have more friends there than anywhere else (I've none up here to speak of) and it's completely familiar territory.

So today seems all a bit of an anti-climax.

Nevertheless, it's good to be home again.

Hey ho.

Now that I'm working less hours, I'm enjoying occasionally watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and laughing at the dysfunctional trailer-trash learning about the lives of those less fortunate than myself.

Here are some of the valuable lessons I've learned:

1. DNA results are all-important.

2. Never listen to hearsay.

3. Have the DNA test done before the little bastard the child is a year old.

4. It's probably not good idea to have sex with your mother's/
father's/sister's/brother's partner or ex-partner (even if you think you have their permission).

5. The lie detector test is not 100% accurate, and not nearly so accurate as the shifty look in someone's eyes just before the result is read out.

6. You should get off your arse and get a job and face up to your responsibilities.

7. Smoking cannabis makes you paranoid.

8. One Thing Leads To Another (especially when pissed/stoned/
completely wazzucked).

9. Graham Stainer is A Miracle Worker.

10. It's Jeremy's show.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
I've had my room searched. Twice.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
No. But only because I don't go on them. Ever. Not since The Mouse incident.

3. When is the last time you cried?
This morning.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
With someone. Mostly.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, sort of, but not in a "Most Haunted" way.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Don't know, don't care. But yes.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Both are equally irritating.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
No. Never.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Not a clue.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yes. Longer, even. Until I started seeing sheep in New Street Station.

12. What's your favourite commercial?
My all-time favourite is the Cadbury Smash martians.

13. What are you allergic to?
Gorse bushes.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
No.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Can't think of any.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Eh ? whatever

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes. I was pants.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I remember all of them, and often write them down.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
Bill Bailey does it to me every time.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Yes, but can't be arsed. Not a fan.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
My mind is blank.

22. Name 5 things you did today?
Argued.
Cried.
Dusted.
Hoovered.
Laughed.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes

24. What mobile service do you use?
T-mobile

25. Do you like Sushi?
No.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yes.

27. What do you wear to bed?
A silver and amethyst pendant

28. Been caught stealing?
Nope, never stole anything. Apart from the duvet. Allegedly.

29. What shoe size do you have?
Size 5.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Can't be bothered to hate him anymore.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?
Rock. I don't get rap.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
I'll pass.

33. Favourite Song?
Shaved Head by the Rheostatics.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
All the time.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Brussel sprouts, peanuts, anything which might still have poo in it, i.e. seafood.

36. Do you sing in the shower?
No.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
Can't remember ever doing so, but I was shy.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
No.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.

40. Have you anything else to add to this meme?
Nope.

Let's make it a good one.

Let's stop talking ourselves into a recession.

Let's be positive.

Wishing everyone (and especially my bloggity mates) a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2009.

Love ya

Or, for non-Bristolians, On Tuesday evening I reversed into a dyke. Yes, and before you start, all those jokes have been done already.

I was trying to turn round on a farm track, and thought I was stuck in a wheel rut, until I stepped out of the car to see what was behind me, and plunged knee-deep into freezing muddy water.

When you've all stopped laughing I'll tell you the rest of the story.

So there I am, in the middle of nowhere, shivering with cold, and my car is doing a fair impression of the van in the last scenes of the Italian Job.

A Nissan Sunny pulls up, full of hoodies. Having ascertained that I am ok, they decide amongst themselves that their mate's tractor isn't going to get my car out of the ditch. One of them shines a torch whilst I phone the RAC on my mobile. I tell them the recovery agent will be at least an hour and a half.

"You're cold" says the guy I now know to be Chris. He fetches the blanket I keep in the back of my car for emergencies, something I would not have attempted owing to the steep angle my car is at. "Tea or coffee?" he asks.

He and his friends drive off and, after ten minutes or so, Chris returns with a thermos full of hot coffee and a mug. "You can't wait in your car" he says, "I'll leave my car here so you can keep warm, I'll just go and have my tea".

Off he goes, leaving me sat in the Sunny, keys in the ignition, radio on, heater on full blast.

An hour later he returns, and sits with me until the recovery vehicle arrives, the perfect gentleman.

As soon as the RAC had winched my car out, Chris said his goodbyes, but not before I had almost tortured his address out of him.

Miraculously, there was no damage other than a small dent to the offside sill of my car, a bigger dent to my pride, and a rather large hole in my wallet in the shape of the winching charge. Oh, and I fear I have lost my glasses; they probably fell off my head as I fell into the ditch.

Memo to self: Check for dykes before reversing.

Epilogue: Yesterday I returned to the scene to search in vain for my glasses, and to deliver a bottle of wine and thank you card to Chris. Being unable to find his address, I stopped at a cottage and knocked on the door. A rather posh gent answered. I said I was looking for Chris's house and on hearing the address the man told me it was tucked behind a clump of adjacent trees. "I shouldn't go round there, though, if I were you" he said.

Memo to self: Never judge a book by it's cover.

Stolen from Doralene, who stole it from Sweetladyjane, etc.

Three names you go by, other than your given name:
1. Gorgeousness
2. Tumble
3. Quickspin

Three screen names you've had:
1. Faerysongbird
2. Songbird11
3. Sal Volatile

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My eyes
2. My legs
3. My waist

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. My eyebrows
2. My chin
3. My knees

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Welsh
2. Spanish
3. Viking

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Jeans
2. Striped t-shirt
3. Ugg boots

Three favorite bands/musical artists:
1. The Rheostatics
2. Divine Comedy
3. Jake Thackray

Three favorite songs:
1. Shaved Head
2. Songs of Love
3. The Castleford Ladies' Magic Circle

Three things you'd want most in a long-term relationship:
1. Love
2. Fun
3. Respect

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1. Snake hips
2. eyes
3. arms and hands

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Flamenco dancing
2. Jewellery making
3. Going to biker rallies

Three hobbies you'd like to try:
1. Archery - tried it once and loved it
2. I'd like to learn to ride a motorbike
3. Sailing

Three things that scare you:
1. Being broke
2. Losing my hearing or my singing voice
3. Something happening to my man

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Kenya
2. Bali
3. Fiji

Three meals you've cooked for yourself or others in the last week:
1. Sausage casserole and roast spuds
2. Meatballs with pasta and tomato and basil sauce
3. Pork chops with fried potato and roast vegetables

Three careers you have considered/are considering:
1. Midwifery
2. Childcare
3. Celebrant

Three current career skills:
1. Audio typing
2. Shorthand
3. Traffic law

Three ways you are uniquely you:
1. It has to be said I major in Numpty
2. I have a very weird (sometimes black) sense of humour
3. I have a distinctive singing voice

Three things you wish with all your heart you could do:
1. Pay off my man's mortgage
2. Find a buyer for the narrowboat
3. Erase all the bad years

Three impossible dreams:
1. Being a professional singer (I'm too old now)
2. Travel the world
3. Be ten years younger

Happy birthday Tony P
A brave seafaring dog is he
And one who, when marooned ashore, can
Stun you with his impressive organ

playing.

On Saturday we went to Sheringham. We had fish 'n' chips, as you should at the seaside - it's the law.

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Rebecca and Flossie got tangled up in the retractable leash, as usual,

and we all had a very long walk on the beach, almost half way to Cromer!

It was a very happy day, and Sheringham is lovely.

I think we broke Flossie.

From my front window:

From the back:

Oh I do like living here

Flossie and Widget love it too, although admittedly Flossie has been before and I think no less of Widget for hiding behind the sofa for four hours on arrival. She is a brave little cat, as she just demonstrated when she tackled a very dangerous butterfly in the kitchen

Haven't found a job yet, but it's early days. I might have to commute as far as Peterborough, or even Kings Lynn, as there's not much happening around here except farming.

Those of you who know me well won't be surprised to hear that the house is too small for most of my stuff.

Ho hum

But hey, it's only stuff, and I'm happy